When I was a kid if you would’ve told me I would ever have a fake tree as an adult, I would’ve wrinkled my nose, squinted my big blue eyes, and stomped my foot and yelled, “Blasphemy!” My family loved Christmas. We were so traditional in every aspect. We would all load into the mini van and go get the tree together, decorate it while my mom played Bing Crosby or the Chipmunks Christmas album and burned balsam candles just to create the perfect smelling Christmas ambiance.
My mother would let us load up the tree with all of the ornaments we made for her at school each year. I’m talking toilet paper roll Santa Claus, paper ornaments that had been through it over the years, pictures of our faces that were laminated and cut into a Christmas shape. You name it, we made it, and she kept it. The tree wasn’t themed and it definitely did not look like it belonged in any magazine. After we would finish putting the balls, colored lights, and garland on, my mom would break out the good stuff. If you were born in the 80’s and your mom was a bad ass Dolly Parton loving stay at home mom, you know what I’m talking about. The fucking tinsel. She would play it off like there was actually a way of doing it wrong and walk us through it, “Grab just a little, only a little on each branch.” It was amazing. She loved tinsel and thought it was so beautiful.
Fast forward to my adult life- I thought I would litcherally die if someone tried to put tinsel on my adult Christmas tree. Kids decorations, yes, of course. Bring it on. The kids put all the decorations on while wearing Santa hats, it’s actually adorable. But, when they go to bed I basically redecorate the tree the alone. I move all the ornaments they put on because they put them all on the bottom and then a couple rando 5 branches. What kind of Christmas control freak am I?! (I’m definitely yelling 😉) Now let’s get into the real and fake, as if this should even be a discussion. I own a fake tree, but for good reason, and I’m not proud of this. I bought a fake tree because I love Christmas soooo much and I always wanted to get our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I was getting so upset because the tree was droopy and sad by Christmas Day. It was litcherally dying every year a couple days before Christmas. It’s branches would hang down and the balls would litcherally expel themselves onto the floor. It was so depressing.
I came up with a new plan. A fake tree that would go up the day after thanksgiving and a real tree closer to Christmas. Now my ultimate dream would be to head out into the actual woods also known at the forest, with all the kids and have my super manly husband in a red and black plaid shirt with a safety vest on (for safety reasons obviously) cut it down with an actual ax, swing the tree over his shoulder, and then tie it to the roof of our car. (Also while not ever muttering one negative thing about the entire event) Let’s just all take a second to visualize that. OK- moving right along, now let’s pop back over to reality, this is what really happens- I head up the street with family in tow, kids run around trying to find the best tree, we can only buy a Fraser Fir, why, I have no fucking clue, and then we pay top dollar, and some guy who smells like weed ties it to the top of my car and I tip him $20.
Soon as we get home kids think the decorating is about to go down. Every year I tell them we have to wait until the next day. Something about the branches need to fall, which doesn’t really make much sense. I mean it was perfectly fine at the tree farm and it was only tied up for about 15 minutes. Such a buzz kill for them. But. They almost don’t even really care anymore because at this point we have already decorated the fake tree. Let’s talk about the fake tree, it’s huge. It’s covered in glitter, and it comes in three pieces. I thought a fake tree would be less messy, but by the time I’m done setting it up I’m sweating and covered in glitter. I look like a stripper on a Saturday night.
Do I really need two trees???? I like the feel of the real tree, the smell, the Christmas nostalgia. Two trees is maybe confusing. How does Santa even know where to put the presents?? I’m definitely going for just one real tree this year from the Christmas tree farm up the street with the weed guy. We will pull out all the tricks, the balsam candles, and I’m taking the gloves off on the perfect Home Magazine Christmas tree. We are breaking out the fucking tinsel for an 80’s vibe Christmas tree. The only rule this year is that there are no rules.
This is 40ish 